What is the Mirror Telling You?

    

     Today I must have felt a bit nostalgic for the days of my childhood because out of nowhere, I began to sing Diana Ross song “Mirror,Mirror”.  I used to love watching Diana Ross as she let her hair flow singing, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I thought you said you had the answers to it all, You never told me I was gonna take a fall, Mirror, Mirror, Mirror on the wall.”  Of course at the time of the release of this song, I was too young to understand the meaning behind the lyrics. In my young mind, I thought Diana Ross was the black Snow White and the song was the theme song to the new movie. Did I mention that “The Wiz” was my all time favorite movie.  I digress, please allow for me to continue.

    So, this morning I am singing the song and I decide to look for the video so I can remember the rest of the lyrics. I wanted to understand the true meaning behind the song. If I can get on my behavioral scientist soapbox for a moment, let me just remind everyone of how our childhood memories can often be distorted. We encode information through our knowledge and understanding of an experience. Our perceptions of words or events can be distorted as we attempt to recall memories through the lens of our youthful mind. Memory distortion and false memories is a hot topic in the legal and behavioral science arena. I am describing a very mild variation of the issue however it is very relevant.  My attempt to sing the song was inhibited by my limited callback and understanding of the lyrics. I was 5 or 6 years old when I first heard this song and the only reason I recalled the song at all was because the repetition of the chorus was ingrained in my brain and I related the chorus to the evil stepmother and her mirror in the story of Snow White. 

          Well, I found the song on Youtube along with the lyrics and it was disappointing to find that it was not a theme song to Disney’s black version to Snow White.  (Side Bar…I copyright the idea of a black Snow White movie using Diana Ross’s song…now back to our discussion) The lyrics express the disillusionment one feels by the fairy tale story of love.  This brings about an important discussion about relationships because many of us have read the fairy tales of how a princess finds her prince and they live happily ever after during our childhood. We subscribed to this story often imagining ourselves as that princess who will eventually find our prince living the picture perfect life with no more problems to overcome or evil witches to combat. Diana Ross is echoing our emotions and accusations of how we were lied to as we follow the prescribed way of living that is supposed to bring about the happiness that we desire.   She is calling out that “Mirror” who was feeding her lies for so long that before she knew it, she physically grew older while her young heart yearned for the love that she was promised. 

Diana Ross in "Lady Sings the Blues"

          I know that I am opening a can of worms by bringing about this discussion but it is necessary because many men and women subscribe to a certain ideology about relationships that is causing internal and external conflict.  We need to go on a journey of self-discovery that helps us to change our distorted way of thinking about who we are as individuals and our roles in relationships. I had to learn that I am not Diana Ross (I am having a hard time with that reality…. I am still holding on to my Diana Ross wig…again…I digress). I had to learn that Diana Ross is a creation of Motown and even she had to go on her own journey of self-discovery. We have to stop viewing ourselves through rose colored lens, learn about our personality characteristics and how our behavior impacts our lives and our relationships. When there is conflict in relationships, those who are involved must remember that both parties participate in the success or failure of the relationship. We should not allow ourselves to have distorted or false memories about our relationships that will cause us more harm in relationships.  Conflict resolution can come about when there is an open discussion about each person’s philosophy on relationships and behavioral tendencies.  The basic foundation of success in any relationship is built upon mutual understanding, acceptance, and respect for those involved. A successful relationship never comes about through accusations and further discussion of past transgressions.

     I can go on and on about the "Mirror" and how can be representative of how we reflect our ideologies in relationships and become upset when those within the relationship do not cosign on our way of thinking.  I can say that Diana is not upset with the "Mirror", she is actually expressing anger at herself for continuing with an unsuccessful way of thinking and she finally came to the realization of the error of her ways. I can say many things about the attempt to blame others (in this case inanimate objects) for our downfalls. The most important thing that must be done when one looks into the mirror and sees their reflection is to reach a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance.  Through self-awareness and self-acceptance, the reflection will reveal the truth about oneself and their relationships. 

For more information about Conflict Resolution, Relationships, or Personal Development, please feel free to sign up for one our webinars or personal consultation services.  Visit us at www.ars-mhrcs.com/Disc-consulting.html or email me at Donetta.Quinones@research4usolutions.com

You Can't FORGET Your PAST, You Have to CONQUER IT!

This message that was posted on Facebook provides some insight that needs further attention because there are individuals who are suffering from pain that is experienced from their past.  Many individuals believe they have healed from those past hurts however the moment that they are put in a situation that is reminiscent to the offense, they re-experience all of those emotions from that past issue. The reason that this occurs is because they attempted to forget their past, they never forgave the other individual, and they never forgave themselves.  These individuals attempted to let go of those hurts and never overcame the very thing that caused them to feel a loss of power in the situation. The result is that the situation overpowered them causing them to be "stuck" and unable to progress in that area of their life.

Everyone contains a different blend of personality characteristics that dictates how they will initially approach a problem in their lives.  There are those individuals with a "D", or "Dominant" personality who will take the direct approach in handling situations in their lives.  The "I", or "Inspirational" individual will look at the brighter side of the situation and use it as a learning tool to move forward.  The "S", or "Steady" personality type will attempt to avoid dealing with the problem in hopes that it will resolve itself.  The "C" personality who is generally the Conscientious type will analyze the situation in an attempt to bring resolution to the problem. The common ground of each personality type is that there is an acknowledgement that a problem exists however the approach to the problem is different.  

This can be an issue to those who are in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to acknowledge past hurts or transgressions.  They may be the "D", "I", or "C" personality type who dealt with the issue within themselves and moved on. They can be the "S" personality who just does not like dealing with conflict or experiencing any type of emotion that will cause them discomfort.  These individuals who approach problems in this way must remember that they are not in a relationship with themselves; they need to care about the emotional needs of the other individual as well.  This means that if one person has a problem, the other one does as well.  This is applicable to every type of relationship whether it is a couple, family, work, or friendship.  

In many cases, the person who is attempting to have an individual acknowledge past hurts or transgressions is experiencing problems moving forward from what happened that caused them pain.  They are essentially "stuck" and cannot move forward within the relationship.  They are looking for assistance because they believe that the other individual has what it takes to help them to grow from the experience.  It is as if the relationship is a flowering plant that was once  flourishing however a weed developed that is wrapping itself around the plant and hindering its' growth.  If that weed is ignored, it will continue to grow and the plant will remain stagnant.  The same will occur if individuals chooses to ignore the root problems that is causing pain and mistrust within a relationship.  The relationship will remain stagnant, failing to grow and deteriorating under the weight of problems that developed during the course of time that the issue was not resolved.  

There are many sayings that people use to advise others of how they should deal with past transgressions that caused a great deal of pain.  They may say things like, "You have to forgive and forget" or "Stop living in the past".  The thing is, you can't forget your past, you have to conquer it.  Those who choose to ignore problems in life will find that they will have to deal with those issues subconsciously when they do not address it on a conscious level.  They experience various symptoms such as depression, high blood pressure, anxiety, and a host of other medical and mental health issues that stem from unresolved issues. The way to conquer an issue is to deal with it directly with the other individual or within oneself. 

There are methods used by mental health professionals to help individuals to overcome issues when they are unable to address them with the offending party.  These methods often allow for the person to verbally express their emotions in an environment that is conducive to the healing process. Therapeutic interventions such as Person-Centered Therapy or Solution-Focused Therapy allow for the client to express their emotions in ways that they believe will help them to deal with their issues.  This is accomplished with an empathetic therapist who allows for the individual to express themselves without the fear of being condemned for their feelings about an issue.  These approaches are welcomed by many individuals however these methods should be implemented by the individuals who are in the lives of these individuals. 

Those who are in a relationship should provide a safe-haven for each other to share their problems and concerns. There should be open communication between empathetic listeners who establish among themselves that they will not condemn the other for expressing their feelings.  Those within the relationship should have mutual respect for one another and they should established ground rules that protect each person within the relationship from experiencing further emotional pain. Everyone has the ability to conquer their past and resolve the conflict that has taken root. Through guidance, those individuals who find it difficult to establish communication within a relationship or understand certain behavior types can learn how to overcome relationship pitfalls.  

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For more information on human behavior and personality types, check out our website at www.ars-mhrcs.com/DISC-Consulting.html